


Whiskey

by XenaRaeSykes



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Background Caleb/Fjord ish it's more like just pining, Background Fjord (Critical Role), Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, Hurt/Comfort, Sad Caleb Widogast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-28 01:02:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20417294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XenaRaeSykes/pseuds/XenaRaeSykes
Summary: Songfic based on the song Whiskey by Deaf Havana. It's just Caleb having a anxiety attack, sorry. Because this is one of my favourite ever songs and it made me think of him also I love him.





	Whiskey

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure what this is meant to be but SORRY THAT IT'S SAD

_Smell of instant coffee, reminds me of the days when I had other plans, other prospects, other ways of getting by._

Caleb sat at the table in his tiny flat, forehead resting on the cool surface. His head hurt and the strong-smelling coffee from the mug in his hand was not helping the uneasy feeling in his stomach.

_Before this useless ink was drilled in my tired skin, there was life behind my eyes._

He was meant to be getting up and out, meant to be helping run some errands, but as he scrubbed blearily at his unfocused eyes he felt his lungs constricting, muscles tensing as his heard raced to feed them. Maybe he was ill? He certainly felt ill, a burning sensation in his throat making his toes curl against the cracked tiles of the kitchen floor.

_See I'd of been a teacher, changed peoples lives including mine._ _I could have moved out years ago and not be drowning in this wine. Forgetting how to swim, and everyday I lose, cus' I'm still treading this water I've been turning into booze._

Stumbling to his feet, he reached for the side to steady himself, wincing as he hit an empty bottle that careened into the collection of other bottles with a too-loud clink. His heart was beating fast, too fast, and he wondered with a sense of detached interest if he was having a heart attack. He supposed it was more than he deserved, to die a quick death. But who would find him. He was meant to be meeting Fjord today, would he come looking if he failed to show up? Caleb may believe that he himself deserved the worst of fates, but Fjord certainly did not. Not beautiful, bright, _good_ Fjord. He choked on his own thoughts of his friend, unseeing eyes clenched shut as his hand tightened on the edge of the counter top. How could he think he deserved such a friend, never mind the thoughts that rushed through his head unbound when Fjord smiled at him or unthinkingly rested his hand on Caleb's arm.

_Whiskey on my tongue and blood on my hands, it's only a matter of time before i see you fall to another mans arms. _ _So why should I come home tonight? _

The bile in Caleb's throat rose at the thought of Fjord smiling at him and casually talking about the date he'd been on last weekend, oblivious to Caleb's heart slowly tearing apart. But who did he think he was, even thinking of standing between his only real friend and happiness?

_Why should I come home tonight?_

On shaking legs, Caleb stumbled into his small bedroom, thankful for the thick blinds enclosing the room in darkness. He sunk down onto his knees in the centre of the room, not even making it to the bed before collapsing. His fingers dug into the threadbare carpet and caught on a shirt carelessly strewn on the floor.   
  
_I'm sick of risking my health on these three hundred day weekends. __Days of useless excuses, oh I'm hungover again._

He should let Fjord know he couldn't make it today. It would be the third time he'd let him down in a fortnight, but Caleb couldn't leave the house. He shuddered with the thought of strangers' eyes on him, seeing through him, wondering why he was there when it was clear he didn't belong in this world. He didn't belong anywhere. He sent a quick text to Fjord apologising for not being able to make it, then threw his phone across the floor with a sob. The strangled cry caught in his throat, closing in on his heart.

_Life stopped answering my calls and I'm getting friendlier with death. He said he'd trade me a bottle for what little soul I have left and I said yes, how else am I gonna' spend my time?_

He curled into a ball, knees coming up to his chest as his arms wrapped around his legs, holding the shards of his insides together as he splintered apart. From the corner, his phone started to buzz with an incoming call. He couldn't answer it, couldn't even move to look up through wet eyes at the flashing screen. How could he speak when his throat was full of the jagged pieces of his heart.

_I could kid myself I'm healing, tell my friends I'm doing fine. I could ask the lord for forgiveness but me and him don't get on well. Besides, I doubt he could hear me from down here in my own hell._

Finally, finally, the vibrating of his phone stopped and the room dropped into a deep silence, only punctuated by his own laboured breaths and cries. He hated this, hated himself for being like this. But this pain was all his, was all he deserved. Nice friends and warm days in the sun and smiles were not for Caleb. He didn't deserve those things, just the cold walls of his unheated apartment and the hand crushing his organs piece by piece. He scrambled to the bed, arms stiff from being locked around his legs, and clutched the covers, face buried in the pillows as he continued to sob.   
  
_Whiskey on my tongue and blood on my hands. __It's only a matter of time before I see you fall to another mans arms. __So why should I come home tonight? __Why should I come home tonight?_  
  
_It's like you got it all figured out and the words just get stuck in my mouth. __All the faces are changing and i'm left alone once again. __My friend, give me something to believe in_  
  
_Oh with whiskey on my tongue and blood on my hands. It's only a matter of time before I see you fall into another mans arms. __So why should I come home tonight? __Oh why should I come home tonight? __Yeah, why should I come home tonight? __Come home tonight_


End file.
